That's Terrible!
by SlightlyFrumiousBandersnatch
Summary: In which terrible fanfics are parodied to within an inch of their miserable life. Current victim: tellnotshow shipfic. Will be updated whenever I feel like it. IS LIKELY TO CONTAIN: Beanbags. And little red kites.
1. Bright Blue Jello

**Disclaimer: Characters (however ooc they may be), do not belong to me. This universe belongs to the marvelous JK Rowling. The bad writing is simply an imitation of some really terrible fanfics.**

There will be several more parody oneshots, some possibly about this ship. I do support the ship, incidentally, which is why I'm attempting to defend it. Not all fics will necessarily be shippy.

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It was raining. Rain was falling. Hermione was depressed. Would Ronald Weasley ever look at her like that? Probably not. Unfortunately, she had been deeply, heart-wrenchingly in love with him since the age of eleven.

There was no escape. Escape was impossible.

The rain was still falling. It was very depressing. Very deeply depressing. Hermione looked out the Gryffindor common room window. She could see Ron practicing Quidditch, his red hair the only thing visible from this distance.

She hunched over the arm of the couch in the empty common room and cried. She cried for a very long time.

"Hermione?" said Ron, who had just spontaneously turned up, "Why are you crying? Everyone else is at Hogsmeade."

The damsel in question shook her head, her graceful, curly, and surprisingly un-bushy hair bouncing dolefully.

"It's because of me, isn't it?" said the kind and sensitive blue-eyed chess player, "I'm really sorry for whatever it is.;"

She looked up into his eyes. They were big and blue, like a large bowl of something blue, and she was drowning in jello.

"Your eyes are big and blue," she said, in a low voice, and then cursed herself for her idiocy. There was no way he couldn't know that. "And I am drowning. I do not care. Let me drown."

He leaned over and cupped her chin in his hand. Wonderful, indescribable things happened. Their hearts beat to a rythm only they could hear. They stared into each-other's eyes. Revelations happened on both sides. It all took about a minute and a half (or a lifetime), and tasted like peppermint. Ron leaned back to his own end of the couch.

"Hermione, I-wow." he said.

"You need practice."

"I do?"

"I'll show you."

This time, it tasted like cinnamon.

They emerged to the sound of applause. Most of Gryffindor house (as well as some Ravenclaws who wandered in by accident) was standing and staring at them.

"I was right, Harry, I told you," said Ginny, "Fork it over."

"My own girlfriend is extorting money from me," muttered Harry, rummaging in his pockets.

"YOUR _WHAT_?" screamed Ron.

"Honestly, Ron," said Hermione, "Hadn't you noticed? They've been together for a month."

"No, Hermione," muttered the redhead, "I was to busy staring at you."

Various girls sighed happily. Hermione seized Ron by the ears. This time it tasted like vanilla.

Fin.

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Ewwwww. Do not attempt at home, folks. **

Anyway, as I mentioned above, there should be more of these along shortly. My next victim: the HMS Fire and Ice, aka bad Draco/Ginny fics. Although I've never seen one where they actually admitted anything and were IC at the same time. Maybe I just wish the whole ship had never existed in the first place. Please don't flame me for that.


	2. Of Homing Pigeons and Ghana

**A/N:OK, this is technically a Draco/Ginny fic, parody-ness not withstanding, but I figured I would rather post this somewhere it would be appreciated, instead of the category for Draco/Ginny, where I would probably get flamed for bashing their ship. Since it contains a tiny mention of Harry/Ginny, I'll put it there. Technically it's a defense of that ship anyway.

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Ginny walked around a corner. Draco was crying there, arms wrapped around his knees.

"Draco?" she said, "Why are you crying?"

"Go away."

She turned to leave.

"Ginny?"

She turned around. The words poured out of Draco's mouth;

"It's not my fault I've been an insensitive wart my whole life," he said, "It was all society's fault, especially that part of society known as 'Potter'. I have watched him casting his eyes upon you since we started school, even though I didn't see you until my second year. That was when I fell in love with you, in Flourish and Blotts book emporium, right before your first year started. Sure, I was only twelve, and you were only eleven, but true love transcends time and space, and what does it matter that we were both under five feet tall?" He drew a great long breath, both to calm himself and to catch his breath after speaking four quite long sentences without stopping for air.

"Well, I--What?"

"Never mind. I'm sorry," he said, getting to his feet and starting to walk away.

"Draco?" He turned around, hope dawning in his pale, pointy, face. "Even though you laughed when I was kidnapped by the Basilisk, I knew you didn't _really _mean it. Every time you called me 'blood traitor', I knew it was just your mind denying the truth of your heart. Even when you laughed when Hermione was petrified, I knew you meant no harm to _me._"

"You mean..." said Draco, eyes wide in a most uncharacteristic (nay, out of character) expression of surprise and sudden hope.

"I love you, Draco Malfoy!" exclaimed Ginny, throwing herself at him. It was as though she had shattered the thin glass wall, probably something like one third of an inch thick, which had separated them for years of longing, complete with angstiness and meaningful looks gone awry.

She kissed him on the mouth. He kissed her back. The author described the scene in so much detail her audience got nauseous and left. When it was over, she rearranged his tie and wiped her lipstick off his face. "My brothers must never know!" she said, deep emotion etched into every syllable, "They will kill you, and ship me off to Ghana!"

"Why Ghana?" he asked quizzically. She buried her face in his shoulder. "You're so sweet, Drakie!" she sobbed, "Don't let them hurt you!"

"Too late for that," said a voice from the end of the corridor. Ron pointed his wand at Draco. "Avada Kedavra!" He missed. The curse bounced off the wall, flew out the window the author hastily wrote into the scene, and killed the last homing pigeon in existence, which had been cryogenically preserved somewhere in Antarctica.

Draco pulled his wand out of his pocket and pointed it at Ron, his hand shaking yet paradoxically steadily, pointing at Ron's heart. "Don't make me do this, Weasley," he said, "Even though your wand mysteriously vanished when that curse missed me, I still do not wish to kill my soulmate's brother."

"Your soulmate?" sneered Ron, in a manner which was distinctly reminiscent of Malfoy (at least before he spontaneously reformed), "A git like you, _Malfoy_?"

"He is," said Ginny, passion making her voice shake with passion, "I love him, Ron."

Ron turned very white. "That's not funny, Ginny!"

"I'm serious."

"Stop it!"

Ron turned and ran.

"We must flee, Drakie!" exclaimed Ginny, "For they will come for us and force you to eat mothballs while I look on!"

So they ran away to Ghana anyway, got married, and had five children, all of whom they named Draco jr., except for the youngest, who was a metamorphmagus called Clyde.

The end.

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**Okay. Reviews are greatly appreciated. Suggestions, whether for things to add to old chapters or for new oneshots, are greatly appreciated as well, except when they contain slash or elements that do not belong in a K rated fic.**


	3. It Shouldn't Have Worked

**Disclaimer: It actually could all belong to me, since no characters or places are named. Still, I _think_ it's a fanfic, and thus it all belongs to JKR.**

**Right. This one's a _loving_ parody, because when these are well written, they can be downright breathtaking...other times...not.**

**And it's dedicated to my new beta, KTMidnight. Much gratitude, KT.**_

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_It shouldn't have worked, but somehow it did. People are used to things that should work but don't. They were just the opposite. They loved each other, and hated to love each other, and somehow it worked._

_It should have been as impossible as a porcupine and a helium balloon, but somehow it worked. And somehow she was the solitary star in his world of darkness, and he was her peace in an extremely loud room._

_And she was the beautiful butterfly that gave him a purpose, and he was her rock when she didn't want a purpose anymore. And she was his blue sky, and he was her earth._

_And she was his little red kite, and he was the bean bag tied to her string to stop her from floating away. And somehow, they made each other complete. Sure, people laughed, but people always laugh when people are different, when one is a kite and one is a beanbag, and somehow it all works, and they don't understand how. _

_People didn't understand bumblebees for thousands of years, and they made formulas and proved it was impossible for something that shape to get off the ground, and the bumblebees kept on flying... And they were each others' bumblebees, or better yet, they were both part of the same bumblebee, she the proboscis to lap up all the sweetness in the world, he the sting to protect her...And though they faced opposite ways, at least they were back-to-back, two against the world, the world which hated kites and beanbags and wished everything could be grown-up and average._

_And somehow out beyond logic and reason, right and wrong, heads and tails, and up and down...it just worked._

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**Here's a challenge; tell me who you think the characters are. I have almost no idea, although I have a hunch about the guy.**


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